Quotables from 'Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday' with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers

nbc.com - October 10, 2008

(PRNewsChannel) / New York, N.Y. / The extended "Weekend Update" featured Kenan Thompson as "Weekend Update Financial Expert" Oscar Rogers, a political song from "Hall & Oates" (Will Forte and Fred Armisen) and another edition of "Really?!? With Seth & Amy."

Highlights follow:

WEEKEND UPDATE CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS: "As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government's new 700 billion dollar plan saying, 'It's going to take a while.' Of course, the good news is, he's never been right."

MEYERS: "A new national poll suggests that six in ten Americans think another great depression is likely. But half of those people say they look forward to seeing homeless people wearing fedoras again."

WEEKEND UPDATE CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER: "The second of three presidential debates between Barack Obama and John McCain was held in Nashville Tuesday. The debate was conducted in a town hall format meaning the audience was comprised of a cross-section of bald dudes."

POEHLER: "At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off of a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming that, 'America Runs On Dunkin.'"

MEYERS: "Last week dozens of movie and television productions in India's Bollywood shut down as actors and crewmembers went on strike. Hopefully the dispute can be resolved by the people that control Bollywood: the Bjews."

MEYERS: "A friend of OJ Simpson says that before the start of his trial, he broke up with Christie Prody, his girlfriend of 10 years. Well, he didn't OJ break up with her, he just regular broke up with her."

POEHLER: "According to a new report at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh man I hope that list includes Armadillos 'cause yo, I be hating armadillos."

MEYERS: "It's been a rough week on Wall Street. Today alone, the Dow plunged 578 points to closing below 9,000. Here to talk more in depth about the economic crisis is "Weekend Update's" new financial expert, Oscar Rogers."

KENAN THOMPSON AS "OSCAR ROGERS:" "Hello, Seth, Amy."

MEYERS: "Hi, Oscar. Thanks for coming. Now we all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of what's in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?"

THOMPSON: "Well there was a light, but it's broken and somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and fix it."

MEYERS: "OK, well that doesn't sound very promising."

THOMPSON:"It's not. These people need to fix it! I've been a financial consultant for 16 years and I've never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and fix it! When I wake up tomorrow morning it better be fixed!"

MEYERS: "But how do we go about fixing it? Specifically?"

THOMPSON: "Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. Fix it. Identify another problem. Fix it! Repeat as necessary until it is all fixed!"

MEYERS: "You keep saying fix it, but how?"

THOMPSON: "Fix it!"

MEYERS: "Fix what?"

THOMPSON:"It! It needs to be fixed! Now!"

MEYERS: "Any final words although I think I know what they're gonna be?"

THOMPSON:"Oh yeah? What do you think I'm gonna say Seth?"

MEYERS: "I don't know probably fix..."

THOMPSON: "Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!"

MEYERS: "Oscar Rogers everyone."

POEHLER: "The US Department of Agriculture issued a warning this week urging customers to thoroughly cook frozen chicken dinners after 32 people got salmonella poisoning. So I know it's hard, but try to hold back your excitement over your frozen chicken dinner long enough for it to cook properly."

MEYERS: "A woman in England paid over 17,000 dollars for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact."

MEYERS: "At a House Committee hearing on Tuesday it was revealed that after receiving an eighty-five million dollar government bailout, insurance giant AIG spent $440,000 on a luxury retreat for top earners. Which brings us to a segment we like to call 'REALLY WITH SETH AND AMY.'"

MEYERS: "Really, AIG? You went on this retreat only six days after receiving an 85 billion dollar bailout? Really? Even the mafia knows not spend money that soon after a heist. I mean, really."

POEHLER: "And the retreat was planned to recognize AIG's top earners? Really? What does it take to be a top earner at AIG right now? You sell your office furniture on Craigslist?"

MEYERS: "And you spent $150,000 on banquets? Really? Was your waiter Prince? Did you hire robot chefs? You better have because if there were any humans in the kitchen you drank urine."

POEHLER: "And you defended the retreat saying it had been planned before the bailout. That's like going ahead with Grandma's birthday even though grandma died three days ago."

POEHLER: "And Martin Sullivan, receipts show you speant $1,500 at a salon. Really? You spent that much at a salon and didn't fix this?"

MEYERS: "And Really, you had to go there for teambuilding? Here's a cheaper way to do team building. You know all those empty sacks that used to be filled with money? Get in those and race."

POEHLER: "Also the Federal Reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide AIG with a second 37 billion dollar loan on top of the original 85 billion dollar loan. Which brings us to a new segment we like to call, 'Oh My God, Are You Serious?!?'"

POEHLER: "Oh my God, Federal Government, are you serious!?! It's like you gave you your junkie cousin a hundred dollars for rent, ran into him at the dog track, and then gave him another 37 billion dollars. I mean Oh my God!"

MEYERS: "And also, really?"

DON PARDO: "This has been 'Oh my God, Are You Serious?!?' within a 'Really with Seth & Amy.'"

POEHLER: "A tavern in Japan has a pair of monkeys wearing jackets and shorts that take hot towels out of a warm oven and give them to patrons. So business is booming at 'T.G.I've Been Scalded by a Monkey.'".

MEYERS: "A new video game is being developed called 'Scratch: The Ultimate DJ,' which is a hip-hop version of Guitar Hero using a turntable controller. For kids who are too lazy to learn the fake guitar."

MEYERS: "Cities and states across the country are facing a road salt shortage, leading many areas scrambling to stockpile before the first snow arrives. Because no one could have possibly anticipated another winter."

POEHLER: "As the election nears, both candidates have been lining up the support of such popular musicians as Bruce Springsteen, who supports Obama, and Hank Williams Jr. , who supports McCain. Here now, another politically committed musical group, Hall and Oates. "Now, which candidate do you guys support?"

WILL FORTE AS DARYL HALL: "Well, actually, I support Barack Obama."

FRED ARMISEN AS JOHN OATES: "And I support John McCain."

FORTE AS HALL: "We don't always agree on the candidates, but we do respect each others' opinions and we believe this song gets out both our messages fairly and equally. Hit it!"

(MUSIC: "You Make My Dreams Come True")

FORTE AS HALL: "WHAT I WANT YOU'VE GOT, A CHOICE IN THIS ELECTION, GOTTA MAKE THE RIGHT SELECTION, OBAMA OR MCCAIN"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "YEAH YEAH"

FORTE AS HALL: "TWO GREAT CANDIDATES, THAT YOU CAN CHOOSE TO VOTE FOR, YOU COULD PICK THE COOL BLACK GUY, OR A WEIRD OLD MAN WHO'S LAME."

ARMISEN AS OATES: "HOLD UP"

FORTE AS HALL: "WELL WELL YOU"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "OOH-HO, HOO-OOH, OOH-OO"

FORTE AS HALL: "OBAMA MAKES MY DREAMS COME TRUE"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "MC-CAINS GOOD TOO OOH HOO MCCAIN"

FORTE AS HALL: "I AGREE WITH YOU, MCCAIN IS BAD"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "I DIDN'T SAY THAT"

FORTE AS HALL: "BUT OBAMA IS REALLY GOOD"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "NOT COOL YOU CHANGED THE WORDS, TO SUIT YOUR LIBERAL AGENDA"

FORTE AS HALL: "WELL I HEARD, MCCAIN, ONCE BUILT HIS OWN SEX DUNGEON"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "HEY I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING, YOU SING MOST OF THIS SONG,"

FORTE AS HALL: "YES THAT'S TRUE, NOW YOU, SHUT UP WHILE I'M SINGING, ABOUT MCCAIN'S THIRST FOR DOG BLOOD, LIKE A VAMPIRE BUT WITH DOGS,"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "THIS SUCKS,"

FORTE AS HALL: "NOT FOR ME,"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "I QUIT DARYL HALL I QUIT,"

FORTE AS HALL: "DON'T LEAVE OATES I'LL MISS YOU,"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "OKAY I'M BACK YOU CONVINCED ME,"

FORTE AS HALL: "I'M GLAD THAT'S SETTLED,"

ARMISEN AS OATES: "YOU-HOO HOO-HOO-OOH,

FORTE AS HALL: "LET'S NOT EVER LET POLITICS, COME BETWEEN US AGAIN."

POEHLER/MEYERS: "Hall and Oates, everybody!"

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